But now my heart is full

So much and yet so little has happened as we cruise towards the second week of February.

I guess of import there is nothing to report -> just more of the same dance of hopes and disappointments, and much reflection. And though today brought neither shocking surprises nor horrific revelations, I find myself awash with overwhelming and inexplicable sadness. Melancholy inducing tears I can not pinpoint the cause of and a need to be enveloped in a reassuringly masculine hug.

My junior year of college left me heartbroken and, yet, I did not love him. I adored the idea of him, his charming smile and dimples, the caress of his fingertips on my skin, the way my insides melted at his mere glance let alone his kiss. The idea that I was something he craved and then, he was gone. And that same soul crushing melancholy I now find myself enveloped in, surrounded my spirit and robbed me of hope. Until I received the most beautiful gift I've ever been given by another human being. Tom, the first best friend of the male variety that I ever had simply held me and let me cry, literally for hours. I think the grand total was three. He patiently waited whilst I howled every last ounce of it away murmuring soothing noises and petting my hair. And to this day, almost (14) years later, we've never spoken of it. The closest we've ever come to speaking of anything approximating that experience is his fear that I will eventually settle. And even that conversation was eons ago.

Today I find myself adrift in that same sea of desperate emotion. Yet I've no idea why I'm here. And no inclination why I'm still alone in this sea. Or why I pick the boys I do. Or how even when I'm settling, I'm not enough for them. And I crave to escape to the safe comfort and haven of someone's arms, and let it all out.