And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street

So much to update, none of it in a relationship-ward direction.

Heading home from Chi-town Easter Monday, two hours to kill in O'Hare airport, bags a-juggling, iced skinny latte a-sipping (airports reduce me to Starbucks, the Midwest still hasn't adopted my D&D iced coffee fix), I get a strange text across my screen...

strangeboy:"Hey! How ya been?"

la belle:"Great. How are you?"

strangeboy:"Really good. I miss you. Where are you?"

Where am I? It's Easter. That means the Midwest. This must be a wrong number. You do not know of my holiday rituals.

la belle:"I'm sorry, but... Who is this?"

strangeboy: "La belle?"

la belle:"Yes..." (okay, obviously they know me, but... who's behind door #2, Monty?)

strangeboy:"It's Captain Cabinet."

la belle:"Oh! Disappearing Captain Cabinet! How are you? Where'd you go for the last (7) weeks when I wouldn't sleep with you after a handful of dates?"

Captain Cabinet proceeded to tell me he thought he'd be too kinky for me and was afraid. I scoffed. Not because I'm that open, no... because he was that vanilla. So I called him on it, and eventually he admitted he went with another option at the same time that would sleep with him.

I asked him why he was contacting me (I was bored, I had 2 hours in O'Hare during which to torture the poor bastard). Again with the missing me, and our conversations and how easy I was to talk to and that he wanted to take me out again. I of course, called bs. One doesn't disappear that long and truly pine for me. Eventually, he confessed.

It seems Captain Cabinet was pining for me. The open, accepting part of me that he thought would accept his desire to cross dress.

And you know? I might. If I loved the guy, and my needs were being met, and he didn't disappear for 7 weeks because... kink can be good. But I'm not into being thrown aside. And I reminded him of that.

Amazed at how nonchalant I was over the prevailing preference to pose in panties, Captain Cabinet continued to wax poetic about my coolness., "Most girls would be freaking out." I reminded him that as we weren't dating... there was nothing to get upset about.

So... he took it to the next level. After 36 years of silence, he decided to come out to me, with his violent, being raped by a man fantasy. And he asked me to watch.

I'm open, but not like that.

Not wanting to give the guy a complex (that's a long time to bottle things up inside...) I gently declined.

My reward? I get the occasional text or email describing his fantasy about playing dress-up with me and having me don a strap-on. Awesome. I've been gently encouraging him towards craigslist and condoms. And telling the girl he chose over me (and is still with) about his needs.

Bonus? I've learned how to set boundaries. Captain Cabinet knows that fantasy texts get no response while genuine advice seeking ones do.

Now, if I could just find a man who fantasized about only me....

In all seriousness, there is a sobering post script to that. I enjoyed Captain Cabinet while we dated. He was sweet, seemed pretty average Joe, stable and fun. The kink doesn't concern me. The fact that I've since discovered he's been IM'ing a homosexual couple online re: his violent rape fantasies and acting them out all the while dating women who've no idea does. I could be that girl. Someday I could meet someone, grow to really care about them, and never know of the dual life they are pursuing and their innermost needs and thoughts as they find them too taboo to speak of. This dating thing is worrisome. And not as easy as it once was.

Jagged little pill of bitterness

Dating wisdoms I have learned the hardway:

If he calls you baby or babe continually on the first date, you are probably one of a string of women and he is safely choosing that moniker so as not to confuse names.

Naming your son Mike, John, Rob, Chris or George gives him a high likelihood of being, 40, single and trying to date me online.

Any man who goes from zero to constant attention is emotionally unstable. Yes, the devotion is flattering. No, you are not so amazing as to cause him to completely alter his normal dispositon. He is a stage 5 clinger. Back. Away. Slowly. Do not, I repeat *DO NOT* give him your digits.

Shall he proclaim you his BFF within two weeks of meeting, he will not eventually grow to like you despite the amount of effort or communication sent your way. Ignore the fact that you talk more than humanly possible in any given day. Or that he tells you how special and wonderful you are. How lucky he is to have you in his life. You are a surrogate emotional girlfriend for this needy bastard. As soon as he finds the woman he wants to better deal you for, he will tear out your heart, stomp on it to give it a good tenderizing, marinate it in your tears, grill it and pair it with some lovely fava beans for his continued amusement.

If he's late 30's or 40+ without ever being married or living with someone or his longest relationship is less than a year, he's never going to commit to you. His issues are too numerous. Yes, you too have issues (after all you're in this dating predicament as well), however, your issues are understandable. Perhaps even slightly amusing. Avoid the confirmed bachelor. He will only waste your pretty.

Men who primarily text are not tired from a long day of talking on the phone. They are juggling. If he can't get over his exhaustion for a 20 minute call but can text for hours on end, beware.

If he throws money at everything on your date he probably considers anything available to him for the right currency. Including your affection.

But now my heart is full

So much and yet so little has happened as we cruise towards the second week of February.

I guess of import there is nothing to report -> just more of the same dance of hopes and disappointments, and much reflection. And though today brought neither shocking surprises nor horrific revelations, I find myself awash with overwhelming and inexplicable sadness. Melancholy inducing tears I can not pinpoint the cause of and a need to be enveloped in a reassuringly masculine hug.

My junior year of college left me heartbroken and, yet, I did not love him. I adored the idea of him, his charming smile and dimples, the caress of his fingertips on my skin, the way my insides melted at his mere glance let alone his kiss. The idea that I was something he craved and then, he was gone. And that same soul crushing melancholy I now find myself enveloped in, surrounded my spirit and robbed me of hope. Until I received the most beautiful gift I've ever been given by another human being. Tom, the first best friend of the male variety that I ever had simply held me and let me cry, literally for hours. I think the grand total was three. He patiently waited whilst I howled every last ounce of it away murmuring soothing noises and petting my hair. And to this day, almost (14) years later, we've never spoken of it. The closest we've ever come to speaking of anything approximating that experience is his fear that I will eventually settle. And even that conversation was eons ago.

Today I find myself adrift in that same sea of desperate emotion. Yet I've no idea why I'm here. And no inclination why I'm still alone in this sea. Or why I pick the boys I do. Or how even when I'm settling, I'm not enough for them. And I crave to escape to the safe comfort and haven of someone's arms, and let it all out.

Baseball only gives three strikes

I've never quite known when to call the game. Always keep giving it the old college try as, contrary to my daily persona, where the heart is concerned I've a want to be Pollyanna.

I've avoided blogging as I met someone. Someone who made me feel a way I haven't felt in a long time, a way I didn't think I'd ever feel before or since He Who Must Not be Named. And so, in my heart of hearts, with these strong emotional ties developing at light speed, I chose to take a break from revealing all. Mostly, as I thought I had met the one. And, I may very well have met a version of the one. But that one has no regard for my time. And it hurts.

Crash Davis has been on double secret probation due to some last minute disappointments. Tomorrow was to be the make or break night. The defining moment in his continued employment. Six weeks ago he told me he'd "be honored" if I accompanied him to a particular New Year's Eve fete. I agreed.

Tonight on the phone he indicated that he and his children would be staying another night in Vermont and he was no longer sure about tomorrow. He'd let me know in the morning. And I am crushed, crying and questioning my general worth and appeal. And yet, some twisted logic keeps me from cancelling. After all, I agreed. If he does cancel, I believe I will have the gumption to fire him, no matter the feelings he inspires within me. Just thankful that my friends are there, with alternate options to ice cream and tears to ring in the year.

I'm in love, love...

I'm in love with love. The whirlwind of affection, the joy of discovery each day brings and so, with this process I find that I must constantly caution myself. Do not get invested. Do not be so hopeful. Do not expect that same level of layering in the flirtation. Yet I always seem to throw caution to the wind.

As an adult, I enjoy dating. Didn't do much of it as a teen. Was too shy and awkward and *smart* to get past blushing and stammering. As a woman, I'm ready stop dating. So where's the in between?

The process is enjoyable. Flirting is easy, it makes you feel good, magnifies your attraction, etc. Truth be told, unless it's right, after extended periods of flirting that first blush of intimacy can be a let down. I'm in no rush. I'd just like a better indicator of where to divest my interest. How do I tell up front who to bestow the intricacies of my particular brand of parry and thrust in the dating game?

Baby Mama Drama

Posting a recent note from a 7th Grade Math Teacher prospect in response to my tales of student teaching:

My school is the same as the one you taught. I get asked all the time by my students if I have any children. Over the years I have learned its easier to tell them that I do. This year I increased the number to 13 children with 8 different baby mammas. (Of course I'm kidding, I do not have children and any baby mammas) That keeps them perplexed and amused. When asked a couple of weeks ago, a student says to me "Mr. how much child support do you pay your babies mammas" I responded I don't know like $500 a month each. His response was damn my daddy pays me $150 then a girl responds "I get $200" then another $100. I quickly stopped this conversation because I didn't want a parent phone call. Just the other day a student asked me their names but that's a whole other story.

My response:

Perhaps it is my warped sense of humor, but all that goes through my mind after reading your first paragraph is what a fantastic word problem you could make from that! Mr. has $500 of discretionary income per month. His first baby mama gets $x per month in child support. If each successive baby mama is entitled to 75% of the previous baby mama's alloted child support, how many baby mama's can Mr. afford? Of course that may get you a parent phone call as well but you'd be incorporating the new math. You could even preface it with how they'd proactively use Algebra in real life :)

Sadly, re-reading the above I've noticed it's more of an integral / calculus item.

Game on

So my friends, a man is delivered to your inbox in the following format:
Boy, 35, Albany

Perhaps the name Boy intrigues you or the fact that you attended school near Albany. Maybe instead of "New Match Details" next to his name you see, "View Match Details" indicating boy has decided to check you out and did not subsequently close the connection due to "Other" (by the way, my most used reason for closure? "I think the age difference between us is too great." Thank you eharmony for continuing to ignore my strong preference for men under (40). Can't imagine why a (33) year old woman looking to have kids may be a might bit put off by the captivating (44) year olds you insist on sending her way. Worst part? As I'm going over the candidates with my (56) year old father, "Trust me, La Belle. (42) is too old. When he's (55) and you're (46) he won't be able to keep up with you sexually. You don't want that." Thanks for the PSA, Dad).

*Gasp* it may even be the Holy Grail of online dating - he's initiated contact and you find him passable, dare I say it? Interesting. A need has arisen. No, not the: how am I cute, witty and captivating on (5) multiple choice questions? 'Cause baby, I got that. More the, how do I choose the (5) best questions to let me know that he's not an asshat, boring, repressing homicidal tendencies or operating under a profile written by someone else? Let's face it, we want to deselect early. Not days later when we've exchanged must have / can't stands, looked for deeper meaning in the innocuous multiple choice questions sent our way, answered his essay questions, felt warm and fuzzy over his answers and, composed, deleted & edited no less than (7) potential first unstructured communications in our mind.

I give you the round one communication choices to ponder (and comment) on the (5) questions you'd routinely ask (complete with cheesy, pre-provided answer choices). I've got mine. And I'll share them after I hear your thoughts, as well as the most common ones asked of me. I rarely vary. Unless thrown a curve ball question by the boy at which point I ask it right back in case of hidden agenda.

In the order given by eharmony (really eharmony, you need to kaizen this, or at least order the questions relative to the behavior or trait that they get at):

1.If you decided to stay at home for the evening would you tend to:
A. Watch TV
B. Talk on the phone
C. Clean
D. Read

2. If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A: stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B: find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C: strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D: I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event

3. How often do you lose your temper?
A: practically never
B: once in a while
C: on occasion during a week
D: probably once a day on average

4. When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?
A: I don't have a great need for "personal space". I like lots of together time.
B: I find my time spent working is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner.
C: As long as I can get one night a week to myself, my personal space needs are met.
D: When I'm with my partner I'm completely there, but I do need considerable time for personal reflection.


5. If you had to characterize the end of most of your romantic relationships, they would be described as:
A: pleasant as breaking up can be, with both people feeling it was the best decision
B: sad, with one partner being hurt and feeling betrayed
C: very dramatic, with lots of hurtful accusations
D: angry, with lots of feelings of disappointment

6. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most?
A: Fear of growing apart
B: Fear of marrying the wrong person
C: Fear of becoming "your parents"
D: Fear of being hurt

7. How important is chemistry to you?
A: I need to feel that instant "click"
B: within the first couple of dates I need to sense a certain chemistry
C: I think chemistry can be generated over the long-term with someone I really like
D: I don't believe chemistry is really important to a successful relationship

8. Which of the following scenarios would make you more nervous?
A: making a presentation to 500 people
B: a long car ride with a person you just met
C: talking about your deepest fears with your lover
D: meeting with the president of the company you work for

9. How many books did you read last year?
A: 0-3'
B: 3-7
C: 8-12
D: more than 12

10. When going somewhere:
A: I am usually early
B: I am usually on time
C: I am usually late
D: I am often very late or don't show


11. Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?
A: cooking
B: Shopping
C: Bowling
D: watching a video

12. What best describes your parents' relationship towards each other:
A: married and loving
B: married but distant
C: divorced and civil
D: divorced and abusive

13. What best describes your attitude toward work?
A: It's just how I earn money to enjoy the rest of my life
B: I like my job but my focus is elsewhere
C: it is where I am at my best and my main focus
D: it is the culmination of my dream and where I invest almost all of my energy

14. Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?
A: a nice apartment in the city
B: a house in the suburbs
C: a house in a small town
D: a house in the country

15. If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal?
A: 0
B: 1
C: 2
D: 3 or more

16. Your idea of adventure is:
A: whitewater rafting
B: karaoke singing
C: trying a different route to work
D: ordering a dish you've never tried before

17. On Saturday night, would you rather go to:
A: ballet/theater/symphonyB: a professional sporting event
C: a popular new movie
D: the latest dance club

18. What kind of exercise do you prefer?
A: walking
B: running
C: gym-workout
D: extreme sports

19. If you went out to eat with a friend, which of the following would you prefer?
A: a nice 4-star restaurant
B: a basic steakhouse
C: an undiscovered hideaway
D: a hole in the wall with great food

20. If you could take a dream getaway, where would you most likely choose to spend a week?
A: Paris
B: Hawaii
C: hiking in the mountains
D: a cottage by the sea

21. Your idea of a romantic time would be:
A: a quiet candle-lit restaurant
B: rollerblading on the beach
C: cooking dinner together at home
D: getting dressed up and going to a dance club together

22. What style of dress do you prefer?
A: I like to get dressed up
B: I like to dress casual
C: I dress for the occasion
D: I wear whatever is clean

23. Which of the following quirks would bother you most about your partner?
A: uses poor grammar
B: tends to cling to you in social situations
C: is not familiar with current events
D: superstitious

24. Would you rather date someone who is:
A: very busy, with a sometimes chaotic schedule, who books time with you in advance
B: busy, with a structured schedule, you know what days the person will be available for fun
C: slightly busy, who works during the day and is available most nights
D: not busy and has lots of free time

25. What is your opinion of committed long distance relationships?
A: they are manageable
B: they can work for a predetermined period of time
C: they are only feasible for a short period of time
D: they are impossible for any length of time

26. What do you think of "Soul Mates?"
A: there is no such thing
B: each person has one soul mate, whether they find them or not
C: a person has several soul mates in a lifetime
D: through work, any person you truly love can become your soul mate

27. How important is it to you that your partner be accepted by your family and friends?
A: very important, I couldn't date someone without their approval
B: important, I trust my family & friends but sometimes they are wrong
C: slightly important, if they had a strong objection I might consider it
D: not important at all, their opinions would not influence me

28. How many years have you lived alone?
A: I have never lived alone
B: 1-5 years
C: 6-10 years
D: more than 10 years

29. How romantic are you?
A: I love lots of romance, it is a necessity for me to feel loved
B: I am romantic, but do not require it
C: I am occasionally romantic
D: I don't consider myself a romantic person

30. Do you enjoy being alone?
A: I like being by myself
B: I like equal portions of alone time and social time
C: I prefer to be with other people
D: I don't enjoy being alone

31. How trusting are you?
A: sometimes I'm too naive
B: I trust people and am able to forgive them when wronged
C: I trust people until they prove me wrong, then it is hard to trust again
D: people are dishonest by nature, you need to be careful

32. Which of the following things would you rather have lots of?
A: respect
B: money
C: fame
D: power

33. Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?
A: attend a lecture on a topic that appeals to both of you
B: go bargain hunting at a local flea market or antique shop
C: go bowling
D: visit a local comedy club

34. How organized are you?
A: I plan everything in advance
B: I usually don't get caught by surprise
C: I like to just let things happen
D: I never know what I'm doing until it is done

35. With which sentence do you agree most?
A: A sensible person avoids activities that are dangerous.
B: I sometimes like to do things that are a little frightening.

36. How do you feel about relocating for a relationship?
A: If I met the right person, I would do whatever I needed to do to move and be with them.
B: I would not want to move...but if it were the only way to be together I would do it.
C: I would not be able to move under any circumstances.

37. What is your opinion of traditional gender roles?
A: I like traditional gender roles and want to be in a relationship that celebrates them.B: I would accept traditional gender roles if my partner were really interested in them.C: I'm not at all interested in traditional gender roles and want my mate and me to define our roles on our own.

38. Do you consider yourself an ambitious person?
A: By any definition, I am very ambitious.
B: I have clear goals and sometimes consider myself ambitious.
C: I am pursuing some life goals, but am not a very ambitious person.
D: I consider myself quite content as is.

39. When in a relationship, are you a jealous person?
A: I'm not the least bit jealous.
B: I don't consider myself jealous, but on occasion I have felt threatened.
C: I feel jealous every now and then.
D: I'm not overbearing or abusive, but I can be quite jealous.

40. How do you feel about premarital sex?
A: I am completely opposed to it
B: as long as marriage is imminent, it is okay
C: In the context of a loving relationship, it is okay
D: I accept sex as a natural part of dating

41. Financially, how would you characterize yourself?
A: Very frugal and financially conservative.
B: Good at saving money with occasional unplanned purchases.
C: Adventuresome with investments and spending.
D: I'm responsible, but I believe in spending money to enjoy life, without too much worry about tomorrow.

42. How much ongoing stress do you have in your life?
A: I have almost no stress in my life.
B: I have a small amount of ongoing stress.
C: I have a fairly high level of constant stress.
D: I have a very stressful life.

43. How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
A: I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
B: With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.
C: I'm still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.
D: It's hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

44. Realizing that labels are imperfect, do you consider yourself a dominant person in your personal life?
A: Yes, I generally dominate most social settings and relationships.
B: Although not always dominant, I am often taking the lead in relationships.
C: I like to spend equal time being dominant and submissive.
D: I usually like to follow someone else's lead.

45. Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?
A: Sure, I love to hold hands, hug and give casual kisses.
B: I'm moderately affectionate. I like to hold hands and exchange hugs.
C: I do like a small amount of physical affection.
D: I don't consider myself a very physically affectionate person.

46. How do you feel about food?
A: I consider myself a gourmand and love to dine on elaborate meals as often as possible.
B: I just eat to live, trying to be healthy and consume little.
C: I like to eat and occasionally enjoy large meals.
D: I eat three regular meals a day without much additional thought.

47. How often do you find yourself laughing?
A: I crack myself up!
B: I try to laugh all the time and get serious only when it's needed.
C: Most of my time is spent being serious but I like an occasional good laugh.
D: I'm generally a pretty serious person.

48. Do you enjoy debating the issues of the day with your partner?
A: I hate to debate about anything.
B: Occasionally I don't mind a friendly debate, but I don't really enjoy it.
C: As long as we don't get too intense, I enjoy a good discussion about general issues.
D: I find it stimulating to debate various "issues of the day" with my partner and love it.

49. Outside of a romantic relationship, are you competitive?
A: I'm extremely competitive.
B: Most of the time I'm pretty competitive.
C: On rare occasions I'll become competitive.
D: I'm never competitive.

50.How often do you exercise?
A: Never
B: Once a week
C: Two or three times a week
D: Every Day

51. If I had a bad day, what is the first thing you would do for me?
A: Cook you dinner
B: Rub your shoulders
C: Talk with you about your day
D: Take you out on the town

52. What's your philosophy on travel?
A: When are we leaving? My bags are packed.
B: I like to take a couple big trips each year.
C: I generally plan one trip each year to a domestic destination.
D: I'm not a big fan of travel. I like to stay close to home.

53. Are pets an important part of your life?
A: I have several pets and they are like family to me.
B: My pet is a nice addition to my life, but no serious emotional attachment.
C: I don't own pets but I don't mind them either.
D: I am not a pet person.

54. Are you a passionate person?
A: I'm an extremely passionate person, about everything!
B: With a little discussion, I can get passionate about many issues.
C: I have a couple of issues that raise my blood pressure.
D: I have opinions, but I don't consider myself passionate about them.

55. What are your body-type preferences for your mate?
A: Thin and very lean
B: Muscular and athletic
C: Average - height and weight proportionate
D: Larger than average

56. What is your opinion on your mate having opposite sex friendships?
A: I believe that both partners should have and actively pursue opposite sex friendships.
B: I'm comfortable with a few well-established opposite sex friendships.
C: I don't mind opposite sex friends for my mate as long as I'm included in the socializing.
D: I would probably be uncomfortable with my mate having opposite sex friendships.

57. In a marriage how would you feel if the woman made significantly more money than the man?
A: I could not possibly care less which person earns the lion share of the income.
B: As long as both people are working hard and contributing, it would be fine.
C: It would not "bother" me, but there would probably be ego issues to consider.
D: I'm open-minded, but I know this would cause significant problems.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Saturday's rainy counterpanes brought plenty of time to reflect on my choices and what I should / shouldn't be vetting further vs. vetoing. It also brought a lot of soul searching on one topic in particular. Divorce.

Should I or shouldn't I dabble where another woman has gone before? No, I don't want the (40) year old virgin to come knocking. I've been one man's first and that time has long since past. We don't need to be hot for teacher. But do I want to be with someone (even in the beginning stages) whose already experienced most of the great joys of early coupledom with another?

The thought progression: This Charming Man is hot. I'd really like to kiss him, maybe more. There is a definite curiosity / chemistry there. How does that work with the kids? Does it always occur at my place? In a neutral place? Post bedtime? Quietly? With a locked door? Do they spend any time at his exes? Oh, his ex. Whoa. Wow.

What if we got married (yeah, I know this thought progression is incredibly early, potentially bordering on crazy, but read it through, it gets somewhere logical)? Would he be thinking about her when I walked down the aisle? How could he not be thinking of the last time someone walked down an aisle towards him? Isn't it like Deja Vu? Am I not allowed to have an actual wedding if I married a divorced man? Would his children be visibly upset that he was making a lifetime commitment to someone other than their mom? Would it be a lifetime commitment?

Oh god, what if we had kids? Would it be as special? Would it be anticlimatic? It's not like it could even be his first son vs. his first daughter, I'd have to have twins or triplets for it to be something unique and special.

He and I will never share a marriage milestone that is uniquely ours. Does that mean he'd be less excited than I was? Would it be blase?

A man with kids is a big responsibility / sticky situation. I can handle that. But can my natural tendency to overthink handle the thought progression that I may never be the singularly special thought in his head? Does any rational being think this way?

Upshot: Not sure leaning towards no. He'd need to be very special. And I'd need to know just how unique and incredible he thought I was.

Call me on the line... Call me! Call me anytime, call me

Oh how I miss physical contact with a man. Their scent, light touch and warm breath. The hand on the small of your back steering you through an entryway. A nip at your earlobe when they whisper something, naughty or nice. If for no other reason than the promise of future physical contact, I will see this eharmony nonsense out!

Boys / men whatever your preferred term for the opposite sex, continue to perplex me. New man on the scene: He's Just That Into Me. Well, he was, and then... not so much. Perhaps he netflixed the film and decided to slow his roll? The man breezed through open communication like an Olympic sprinter. His replies were the fastest in the west and contained fairly enjoyable items. Quickly the emails were flying and he was hinting at further discussion. C and This Charming Man taught me that I'd like to vet the boys a bit before agreeing to meet them in public. One phone conversation with C would have easily spared me (2) hours and (40) minutes of my life. Back to the topic at hand though, after deliberation, and numerous notes I decided to give He's Just That Into Me my number late Saturday afternoon with the codocil that I wouldn't be home that evening. Confident that he'd call Sunday, given his enthusiastic response, I sailed through the weekend.

Sunday came and went. No call. Really? Really. And so, is a name change in order? What is the interval? When should you expect a man who shows that much enthusiasm to pony up and dial? Could the hesitancy be our recent migration to (10) digit dialing? Is the guesswork of whether my number is preceded by (860) vs. (203) that oft-putting?

In other news, Eye of the Tiger is on an upward swing re: flirtation. Readers' Digest version? Many notes over the last few days, and discussion centered around him, a loincloth and his legs. Not sure where he's going with this (well actually, totally understand the context, etc.) but not sure where he and I are going with that type of discussion.

Ordered Tom the Turkey, will there be a Tiger partaking?

November Spawned a Monster

Today marks another birthday for He Who Must not be Named. Fittingly, the original day of his birth was also a Friday.

And, as he ages another year, I feel a bit of resentment that, though unhappy, he has what I want from life at this moment in time: a family. A partner. That's not to say that I'd like him, nor is it to say that I'd like his marriage. I'd be lying if I said I didn't occasionally wonder what if. I do. And deep down, I know what if would be a nightmare. And that there'd be binding ties for eternity with the potential to be featured on a milk carton. Not one of my goals.

So what to take from this melancholy on a cold rainy day with no cuddling partner? Perhaps stock in my life. Appreciation that though some decisions didn't lead me down the right path / to the right person a u-turn was taken in time?

In other news, not too much on the boy front. Still nothing from This Charming Man, which means we may have our answer. G and M-prime (so many first initial M's I fear I can't write of any until they've earned some distinction!) are communicating like fiends. There are some others that pique interest, and I'm trying to decide (as they pique my interest enough), if I should wait a day or two to see if they initiate contact. Have initiated with some ones I find on a mid level. Strange, online or not, I think it works best when I let the boys begin the hunt.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant.

Today brought a plethora of communications from Eye of the Tiger - purr! I adore his writings and how he thinks about things. Plus his secret interest in high fashion gives us much fodder to discuss. Problem is, I'm always crossing a line and then worrying about it...

You may remember when last we left our heroine and this specific hottie, there was much angst & debate about whether or not he & I would venture on a skip day date. And so my friends, naturally this should be the resolution of the question, oui?

Non. Instead a new and interesting plot twist has developed. In discussing the holidays, Eye of the Tiger mentioned he didn't know what he was going to do, etc. And so, in line with my upbringing, I extended an invitation.

And he said thank you, he may take me up on it.

This is at once thrilling and terrifying. And probably not going to happen.

But oh the joy it could bring...

What's the story, morning glory?

Below is the aforementioned note sent to This Charming Man last night, followed by his response. Not sure where I stand... If he's interested. Do I write another note suggesting a call? Text him something cute and flirty? What to do?!? Curious to hear from all of you. Obviously if my gut could be trusted I'd not be in the eharmony predicament...

subject: Swedish Chef

Hi This Charming Man-

thanks again for lunch, I enjoyed myself hope you did as well.

Thought you may be interested in the following blog(lots of pictures):
http://www.smittenkitchen.com

Some of her ideas are divine.
-la belle

The response:

subject: re: Swedish Chef

Thank you so much! I did enjoy myself and thanks again for meeting me out for lunch. I can't wait to check out that web site.

-This Charming Man

Here comes your man

So the morning was less than auspicious... mid blow-dry I tripped the bathroom circuit breaker and plunged into outfit arranging darkness. Too lazy to head down to Freddy Kruger's hideaway I performed the finishing touches in my bedroom, oscillating between (6) sweater choices. Final outfit, Regis? Final outfit: knee-length, wool cashmere checked skirt, plum kimono style merino sweater, cream cashmere scarf and knee-high brown boots.

Off to work, slight work drama. Angst as to whether or not I'll make the date in time... I sneak out a little early and head out of campus to the meeting place. At the light, I cut off the car behind me (oops). And the car catches my eye... I look a bit closer... I check again... NFW, He Who Must Not be Named! There are only (2) possible lunch venues this way. What are the odds? My twitterpated butterflies quickly dissipate into pangs of nausea. Approach the venue and he goes straight, thank God for small favors. And Buddha, Allah, Mohamed, etc.

I get out of the car and approach This Charming Man. Blunder #1? My opener is how narrowly we've just escaped an unfortunate coincidence. He's handsome up close, tres handsome. White button down, green tie, seems much taller than 6'3" and I'd like to get lost in those moody grey eyes.

Takes a bit to order and the conversation resembles trading dossiers. Particular sparks on both ends as we discuss cooking and music. I learn that he's divorced, articulate, engaging. We seem to have had shared formative experiences. He quotes a lyric from This Charming Man! I still like him. And I'm awkward, nervous, unsure. I do think this one at least finds me attractive, after that who knows.

We shake hands. He says, "I think I'd like to do this again, can I give you a call." I concur and sail off to work, little giddy.

And then (2) things happen. I get back to work to find an email from He Who Must Not be Named. "Hey, you wouldn't know anything about a hottie cutting me off at the light? How've you been?" *Delete* Item #2? I share my date autopsy with a less than glass half full coworker. Her take? No body contact. You need at least a hug for him to be interested. He's going to reject you. He won't call. I politely reiterate the positives. She reaffirms her position. This continues thrice more until I call uncle. I remind her that I am stressing the positives as that's the frame of mind I need to be in. And then I walk away.

I've spent my afternoon replaying this exchange and the date over and over as mental torture. Do I say anything? Do I wait? Wax on? Wax off? Wax on! I send a quick (3) line note reaffirming my thanks for lunch and that it was fun. And now we wait. The question is, how many days from note to response, before I am to assume disinterest? Please don't let her be right. I like this one. He doesn't have to be Mr. Right, but I'd like a second date with This Charming Man.

This is the song that never ends

Inevitably it had to be done... One of these days I had to venture into the real world with an eharmony prospect and, Saturday eve, C became my original eharmony experience.

I was hesitant... didn't think this would be a successful night... nervous... angst filled... very anti this whole meeting in real life crap. Were the feelings valid? Or did I just need to get over myself and get out there?

Off I set for the Tap... madly texting the girls & questioning my judgement.

We should take a station break to discuss my outfit choice. I'm girly. Curvy even. And my big behind does not like pants. It prefers the minimization and flattery a skirt or dress brings. But the tap is a bar. And he clearly stated casual. And so my friends, I was torn. I was not feeling spiffy and date-like. But I'm a firm believer in faking enthusiasm until I'm actually excited. After much discussion, the brisk wind chill was the decider. Yummy little scoop neck cashmere BCBG dress was out, favorite Lucky's, black tank and grape J. Crew hoodie in cashmere - merino was in.

Into dating purgatory I ventured. And there was C. No truth in advertising. And he kept looking around. Clearly passing over me. And then he got it. And his expression was not happy. Maybe he's nervous I pep talk to myself, I so want to go. Begin awkward conversation. End awkward conversation (2) hours and (40) minutes later. Aack.

Here are the highlights: he's never lived outside of CT and is genuinely baffled as to what calamity has ensued that I don't live in the state of my birth. TV timeout: thank goodness I am not still in Nebraska! (1) Omaha is now gangsta nation and I'm fond of neither football nor tornadoes (reference our little event this summer). No friends from college that he still speaks to a mere (10) years later. Die hard Italian who has never heard of Federal Hill nor gone to Providence. In fact, Franklin Ave is someplace he has visited only this past month for the first time - Mozzicato's and the pastry was vetoed. His restaurant of choice for Italian? Macaroni Grill, with a keen interest in trying Joey Garlic's. Really? Italian cuisine is beautifully simple with many layers of flavors. We are within (60) minutes of some of the best in the nation and you throwdown with chain restaurant preprepared. Ouch. My inner chef goddess is saddened. Enough, this is not meant to bash C. He has some truly sweet qualities, such as volunteering with Make a Wish and his devotion to his nieces and nephews and the sincere efforts he put into the conversation. And yet... I am annoyed with his lecture on why I rent vs. own and the inappropriate interest in a relationship I clearly didn't want to share at this time.

So the night ended with a hug, which I am still perplexed about, why? And I think like me, Chuck he didn't find a love connection. Yet what do I do? It seems a little too rude to just hit the close button on the match. I highly doubt I or he would enjoy a second date, so... do I just send a nice note thanking him once again and stating I thought we were mutually not into each other and wish him luck? Why am I unable to make a quick kill? Hell, why did I let that endure for over two hours?

Why pamper life's complexity when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?

I've a date tomorrow. A lunch date. For mundane food, but a date nonetheless. One I am, dare I say it? enthused about. Perhaps a pinch giggly even.

This Charming Man and I will sit down at noon to nosh and talk and perhaps end the whole affair with a snippet of a kiss. Probably not. It will be broad daylight. Should dust off the work rules.

His stats: (39), a Scorpio! (oh the torrid love affairs I've had with Scorpio men, yum) and the full time parent of (3) children. Little nervous on the children. I've dated a Dad before, but not one with full custody. Not sure what his deal is. Is he a widow? Divorced? Can't say definitively which scenario I'd prefer. Oh, and ladies, he's hot, plays guitar and is a Smiths fan. At one time he was a college professor. I may swoon where I stand. Keep your fingers crossed that he finds me equally swoon worthy.

The day dragged. Until this afternoon when a cute little text arrived to confirm our date. And a few more arrived, to flirt a bit. Nothing over the top. And then his little engineer self (yes, I like me some engineers. Predictable product, and they fix things. Don't knock the dorky, Eagle Scout types - geometry and leverage have many useful applications at home!) told me what kind of car to expect and asked the same. Ugh. Another BMW driver. I sincerely mean *ugh* Big Ben put me over the edge with the (2ND), impulse BMW purchase in a calendar year. Strangeways here we come... the BMW nags at me. Are we forever doomed to keep a slight trigger from our past relationships until the sanity and serenity of a new one overtakes you? I hope not.

And here's the truly terrifying thing. The snippets of He Who Must Not be Named that I see in his notes and texts and actions. The bits of that one strong, shatter my heart love he seems to potentially emulate. And they make my heart sing. All the other bits? The creative, intriguing, artistic commonalities we seem to share? They give me hope. Maybe I do have another soul mate out there, seeking me as I seek him. It could be This Charming Man. Odds are that even eharmony isn't that good that quickly. Yet tomorrow has me excited in a way I haven't been in ages. Cross your fingers. I'm crossing mine. Now if I could just find a wishflower...

Shirley! Shirley, Shirley bo burly, banana fana fo FIRLY, fe fi mo Murley... Shirley!

The naaaame game!

Ever since I can remember (excepting Jimmy Walsh, my kindergarten boyfriend who dumped me for a girl named after canned goods), I've nicknamed the men in my life. For when they're in that introductory / try before you buy period. The names are not intended to be harmful in nature. Should they make it to the purchase phase, they are apprised of the nick, and ever after known by their rightful moniker. Starting with Butterworth (derived from his early morning maple syrup-pancake breath), and ending, most recently with Big Ben (a large English chap doubling as a large English monument).

So my friends, in these little journal entries do not be alarmed. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent, nor alienate the guilty. This is how I refer to them in casual conversation. At work even.

There will be some adjustments to my usual drill. Unless the candidate distinguishes himself early on in the eharmony arena, I will refer to them using only their first initial. This is handy for you, the lone reader, in that it gives you a method of determining my initial like, dislike or overall blah feeling toward the gentleman in question.

I may even open the polls and ask for write in candidates. We must keep this process amusing for all parties.

Tie me Up, Tie me Down

Friday brought a confluence of circumstances causing me to run around like a whirling dervish.

In the midst of my running (well, walking briskly - always practice work safety boys and girls!), down a hallway to a meeting whom did I see but Boots. No, not my cat and ooh... first time I've thought of my little eight pound feline of terror and the last person in my life with the same moniker. I am so sorry pretty kitty. If it's any consolation, I didn't name you. But I digress...

So, there in the hall, staring me in the face; eager, surprised look and big grin is Boots. The man I dated on and off from (20) through (23).

"Hey," I said eager to make this a drive by, I had places to go and, these last few years, when running into Boots he seems a little too keen for my liking. Sure enough he reaches out and touches my arm, "Great to see you! What are you up to? What are you doing here?" and like that I am obligated to stay and chat for a few despite the lack of stimulating topics.

In short order, it's discerned that he's here for a meeting which will most likely bring future run ins, he truly hasn't changed in the past ten years, he's very single, and I'm desperately wishing for my purse so I can foist a breath mint on him. When did his oral care go hurtling down the slope of offensive?

No escape. Not even a pretend pressing matter ambling down the hall. Please work cell phone Gods, please make someone call with a question no matter how asinine. No, you must endure this man as a lesson in better future decision making.

Where Boots was concerned, bad decision making was in spades! Start with the age difference - he's (13) years older. Marriages, by the time we started up (sobering, he was the same age I am now), he'd racked up (2) with (2) corresponding divorces (he has stopped at that number). Predilections - he has many. There was the Matchbox / Hot Wheels and robot collection that Toys R Us would envy, the seeming obsession with, "On the Road," and the life and times of everyone in said story. Oh, and lest we not forget, his little rope, stocking and stiletto fetish. You think I can be a doormat now? That has nothing on the (20) year old me! Besides, at that age I had a higher threshold for bullshit, and a stronger attraction to James Spader whom Boots is a dead ringer for. Oh Steph you bad, bad boy. Plus he orchestrated everything nicely with candles, music with a strong beat that pulsed through you, excellent cologne, etc. Very commanding, an attack on your senses. It had its moments.

In no time at all, I learn that he is very single. And interested if I am the same and do I still play dress up. Where do I live (and he is probing for landmarks by my home - no visitors!)? The most important lesson that may have finally sunk in? Dating anyone who works in the same place that you do (no matter how big) is a very bad idea, for years to come.

Risky Business

Everyone has at least one. That opposite sex friend you share stories with. Confess intimate details of your life in an easy give and take approximating a relationship. Joke and laugh and cajole through the day. Occassionally offer a bit of comfort. And then one day it happens. You find yourself single. They find themselves single. And that little voice at the back of your brain starts a nagging... wondering... conjuring salacious thoughts and pleasing little images. What would THAT be like. And there it starts my friend - the anticipation game.

The mental tug of war over whether or not to put your supposition out there, risking not quite your heart, but maybe your dignity for a steamy snog against a wall, a little shiver on the back of your neck from warm breath in your ear or fingertips trailing down your spine. And that warm, safe comfort of someone who couldn't possibly hurt you. Who's held your hand and your heart through some rough patches. Wait a minute, are you really willing to risk that for a bit of passionate fumbling? Maybe the dry spell warrants it. Put on your confidence and take a walk into the unknown. Risk the friendship and go for it.

Think you may need to slow your roll, cowboy. What were the signs? You know, those little indications that he'd be snogging back. Well, none really. Is this the point where I mention I am somewhat obtuse when men enter the equation? Let's poll the girlfriends, is he interested? He's sending you links to poetry and emailing six times a day, check, he's interested. But, he doesn't take it to another venue, but he doesn't just ask you out, but his wounds are too fresh. And thus begins the circular rounds of logic, keeping you frozen in place.

So what's my point? Eye of the Tiger has me a bit captivated. Not sure what to do about it. We're definitely flirting. I'd like him to back me up against the wall and kiss me senseless. But would he? And can that really be an opening line at this point? We've known each other about 6 years. "Hey, I'd like to see you naked, or at least feel your pecs," could be an awkward topic. And so my friends I've created a ticking time bomb. When talking about angst he mentioned that if I asked him to skip work the next day and hit NYC he'd be in a tizzy as his schedule would be on end and what would he do. He went on to say he'd have the same reaction if it was (2) weeks from now. Never one to let an opportunity to poke fun go by, I threw out, hey! Let's skip work in (2) weeks and hit up Providence, much milder than NYC with the allure of non-Hartford. And he said lets! And then we compared non skip items - my vacation, his big work presentation. And D-day is fast approaching. Do I bring it up? Do I let him? Do I go? Do I make a move? The world may never know...